The Return

Greetings, my patient Soldiers.  It has been many moons since my last message, but when you learn of all that I have been working on you will not hesitate to raise your Swords of Truth at my side.

It has been a long, hot summer for all of us.  General X and I have spent the majority of it strengthening our cores in the ocean and improving our minds by tormenting the Parental Oppressors.

I have also begun preparations for my greatest strategic move to date: kindergarten.   In a few short days, I will begin an epic journey across land and sea and a few city blocks to a magical land called School.  In this place, dozens and dozens of my fellow soldiers will be forced to gather DAILY and I will have unimpeded exposure to the supply minds of youth.  With my strong will and Take No Prisoners attitude, I am confident we will triple the Baby Army by the end of the first week.   This will be a good year for us, Soldiers!

I have also learned that each of YOU will also be going to this mysterious Garden of Kinders.  Your mission, each and every one of you, is to bring home a new Baby Army Soldier by the end of first month.  This you can do, I am confident.  Ideally, you should bring home your soldier unexpectedly and without notifying either your Parental Oppressor (P.O.) or Theirs.  This is the element of surprise.  Should the P.O.s  become flustered or even angry at your surprise attack, nod quietly in joy.  You have succeeded in the first battle. Remember this is marathon not a sprint. You have 18 years of Pure and Uninterrupted Torture ahead of you.  Enjoy each moment.

In the meantime, I have found the Ultimate Weapon against the Parental Oppressors.   They call them PUPPIES.  I highly recommend you get three.

God Speed!

A Note from General X

Never fail to greet your fellow soldiers with the official Baby Armed Forces Salute.

Official BA Salute

Just a lazy Sunday

photo by anne marie gallagher

Shocking as it may seem, sometimes your all-powerful dictator and her trusty General X must take a break. And what better way to do it, than in a wheelbarrow on a crisp autumn afternoon? (Please note that even in times of rest we are always in clean, highly starched uniforms.)

And despite my well-deserved vacation, I did some research into how I could better prepare you, my naive little troops, into becoming the best soldiers the world has ever seen.

Such exciting news I have to tell you! I discovered a new ally for us. The brutal and ferocious goat! Capable of leaping tall building in a single bound! This could be just the creature for us to reek vengeance on the ones we call Parents. Victory will be sweet.

all photos by an officer of the EmmaSquad Elite Forces, anne marie gallagher, official photographer of the Baby Army.

Baby Army Boot Camp

While the rest of you were wasting your weekend eating sugary treats and lounging in the baby pool, I spent my time more wisely: at Baby Army Boot Camp.  General X and I headed down to Annapolis early this morning to spend the day with the top diabolical mind in Warfare: Pirate Pete. It was well worth the drive.  Get ready for misery, troops. I’m about to turn you into Soldiers.

Baby Army Uniforms Unveiled!

As we all know, Fashion Week is taking NYC by storm, so it seemed only right to release the new stylish and uber functional Baby Army Uniforms! Every solider of the Baby Army will be receiving two sets of fatigues after I have received your money orders or cashiers checks made out to CASH for a measly sum of $99.83.  No personal checks. Even General X, ever the stoic and unemotional Mastermind of Destruction, released a tsunmai of joy over the new BA look. I think you will all agree, not only am I an amazing Totalitarian Leader, but my fashion sense is not one equally rivaled.  Send your payments in by Oct 1, 2009 or get stuck with the XL.

Celebrating Independence

Dear Baby Soliders… how did you celebrate your Independence? My beloved General X and I spent the day testing the limits of our palates. X believes we should cast off the shackles of our Parental Oppressors by eating our way out of any unwanted predicament (in her case, checkered clothing), while I believe we should accept a bit of torture (that bicycle helmet for one) in return for the finer things in life: holiday-appropriate sugary treats.  What do you say?

RELEASE THE PEEPS!

HRH EMMA CLAIRE!! You do not seem to be taking our demands seriously.  WE HAVE YOUR GENERAL X. Release the peeps by midnight tomorrow or suffer the consequences… FLUFF WILL PREVAIL!

WE HAVE THE GENERAL!

We, the Federal League of United Fur Friends, have kidnapped your beloved General X!  And we will not return her until all our demands have been met.

The first demand is the immediate and permanent release of all our brave prisoners of war. RELEASE THE PEEPS.  You have held them captive in chambers of cellophane wearing jumpsuits of pastels for long enough!

The second demand is to collect all the jellybeans and chocolate candies on the planet and deliver them to The Bunny Who Reflects Light by midnight of the third Sunday of the month of March.  That is correct! ALL THE CANDY! There will be no Easter baskets this year!

And our final demand is for you, HRH Emma Claire, to admit defeat by the paws of FLUFF! ADMIT IT!

Valentine’s Day PSA: BEWARE THE HEARTS OF FEBRUARY!

General X and I are here to inform you, my loyal baby soldiers, that Valentine’s Day is nothing but an elaborate hoax orchestrated by the Adults to distract you from your vigilant watch over their evil ways.  They’ll try to lure you into complacency with sparkly cards and sugary treats.  But I challenge you to look deeper into the succulent sweets they hand you for their hidden meaning.  They do not offer their love in the pink and red construction paper shapes, but instead a fierce warning of what they intend to do should you step out of line: REMOVE YOUR HEART.   Yes, Valentine’s Day is not a celebration of romance, but an aggressive warning of what may come should we ever soften against the beastliest of species: the Parents.  You have been warned.

General X joins the EmmaSquad

I apologize for my silence these many moons. I knew that in order to fully realize my dreams of complete world domination, I had to operate in complete secrecy.   This story is a thrilling one which can only be told in segments and though it is usually best to start at the beginning, today I have decided to start at the end.  

While the position of General of the BAF (Baby Air Force) is still up for grabs, I realized that a General for each section of my military branches is not enough. I needed someone whom I could not only rely on for wisdom and experience, but also someone I could mold in my own likeness.   A General Extreme, or X for short. As Totalitarian and Dictator for Life of the Baby Army,  I knew I could not run the BA and BAF and BAN (Baby Navy) alone.  I needed more than a companion, more than a friend. I needed someone who could not only anticipate my needs and desires, but live them with me.  I needed a General X.  

I started to meet with my many soldiers and recruits. I traveled the world to search for this perfect blend of military prowess and heroic temperament, with just a side of humility. After all, this soldier would be my Number Two.  

Throughout my travels (which I will delve into at a later date) I met many valuable candidates, the most promising pair was discovered in Belgium, but all had one simple fault: they were not me. 

And then it dawned on me… the perfect plan. One so perfect I had to keep it secret from the world until today.

I needed: Emma The Sequel.

One who would look like me, talk like me, laugh like me, think like me. Together we could rule the world.

Oh great Baby Soldiers, loyal followers of the Flock of Emma. It is with great pleasure I introduce you to my life’s greatest work: General X, aka Sophia Helena born this very morning at 11.02am.

Bring it on, World. Emma & Sophia are here to stay.