Greetings, my patient Soldiers. It has been many moons since my last message, but when you learn of all that I have been working on you will not hesitate to raise your Swords of Truth at my side.
It has been a long, hot summer for all of us. General X and I have spent the majority of it strengthening our cores in the ocean and improving our minds by tormenting the Parental Oppressors.
I have also begun preparations for my greatest strategic move to date: kindergarten. In a few short days, I will begin an epic journey across land and sea and a few city blocks to a magical land called School. In this place, dozens and dozens of my fellow soldiers will be forced to gather DAILY and I will have unimpeded exposure to the supply minds of youth. With my strong will and Take No Prisoners attitude, I am confident we will triple the Baby Army by the end of the first week. This will be a good year for us, Soldiers!
I have also learned that each of YOU will also be going to this mysterious Garden of Kinders. Your mission, each and every one of you, is to bring home a new Baby Army Soldier by the end of first month. This you can do, I am confident. Ideally, you should bring home your soldier unexpectedly and without notifying either your Parental Oppressor (P.O.) or Theirs. This is the element of surprise. Should the P.O.s become flustered or even angry at your surprise attack, nod quietly in joy. You have succeeded in the first battle. Remember this is marathon not a sprint. You have 18 years of Pure and Uninterrupted Torture ahead of you. Enjoy each moment.
In the meantime, I have found the Ultimate Weapon against the Parental Oppressors. They call them PUPPIES. I highly recommend you get three.
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Never fail to greet your fellow soldiers with the official Baby Armed Forces Salute.
Official BA Salute
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photo by anne marie gallagher
Shocking as it may seem, sometimes your all-powerful dictator and her trusty General X must take a break. And what better way to do it, than in a wheelbarrow on a crisp autumn afternoon? (Please note that even in times of rest we are always in clean, highly starched uniforms.)
And despite my well-deserved vacation, I did some research into how I could better prepare you, my naive little troops, into becoming the best soldiers the world has ever seen.
Such exciting news I have to tell you! I discovered a new ally for us. The brutal and ferocious goat! Capable of leaping tall building in a single bound! This could be just the creature for us to reek vengeance on the ones we call Parents. Victory will be sweet.
all photos by an officer of the EmmaSquad Elite Forces, anne marie gallagher, official photographer of the Baby Army.
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While the rest of you were wasting your weekend eating sugary treats and lounging in the baby pool, I spent my time more wisely: at Baby Army Boot Camp. General X and I headed down to Annapolis early this morning to spend the day with the top diabolical mind in Warfare: Pirate Pete. It was well worth the drive. Get ready for misery, troops. I’m about to turn you into Soldiers.
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As we all know, Fashion Week is taking NYC by storm, so it seemed only right to release the new stylish and uber functional Baby Army Uniforms! Every solider of the Baby Army will be receiving two sets of fatigues after I have received your money orders or cashiers checks made out to CASH for a measly sum of $99.83. No personal checks. Even General X, ever the stoic and unemotional Mastermind of Destruction, released a tsunmai of joy over the new BA look. I think you will all agree, not only am I an amazing Totalitarian Leader, but my fashion sense is not one equally rivaled. Send your payments in by Oct 1, 2009 or get stuck with the XL.
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Dear Baby Soliders… how did you celebrate your Independence? My beloved General X and I spent the day testing the limits of our palates. X believes we should cast off the shackles of our Parental Oppressors by eating our way out of any unwanted predicament (in her case, checkered clothing), while I believe we should accept a bit of torture (that bicycle helmet for one) in return for the finer things in life: holiday-appropriate sugary treats. What do you say?
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HRH EMMA CLAIRE!! You do not seem to be taking our demands seriously. WE HAVE YOUR GENERAL X. Release the peeps by midnight tomorrow or suffer the consequences… FLUFF WILL PREVAIL!
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